I remember you. I remember your nails were painted pink and your blonde hair was pulled perfectly back into a pony tail. I remember your purple shirt that I cut down the middle and the way your body bounced up off the bed as I tried to pump life back into your still heart. I’m not sure why, through all the faces, but I remember you.
You are the reason I am here.
I remember you. I remember your gorgeous little head full of black curly locks. I remember the one I placed in an envelope for your mama, and I remember handing it to her as she sobbed at your bedside. I remember how it all seemed so final and unreal. I remember the prints of your tiny hands and feet. I remember wrapping you up in a warm blanket because I couldn’t stand the thought of you being cold. I am quite sure I will never forget you.
You keep me humble.
I remember you. I remember the way you crumpled to the floor when we told you we had done all we could. I remember the way you screamed, it still hurts my gut. I remember holding your hand and crying with you, as you began to walk through those first few moments alone. I remember struggling to find words, and feeling selfish for feeling anything at all, when this wasn’t my moment to feel. I have spent so many hours with so many of you.
You remind me I am alive.
I remember you. I remember standing for 6 hours straight at your bedside titrating drips, knowing without a doubt you would not survive the night, only to see you sitting up in a wheelchair a few short weeks later. I remember knowing you were a miracle, and that you would change me forever.
You made me believe.
I remember you. I remember your broken body and crushed dreams. I remember that the life you had known was gone in a second, but yet your smile persevered. I remember the fear in your eyes and the strength in your words.
You taught me to seek joy.
I remember you. I remember your red face and your tear stained cheeks. I remember the blood on your shoes and the fierceness in your eyes as you fought to keep them all alive. I remember the way you cried when we lost them and they way you cheered when we got them back.
You are amazing.
I remember you. I remember the proud smile on your face when the newbie caught their first septic patient, and the way you applauded them for that tough stick with shaking hands. I remember the words “strong work” and the way they looked, beaming with pride for a life just saved.
You are an inspiration.
I remember you. I remember all the holidays you worked and school plays you missed. I remember the birthday cake in the break room and the late night visit from your wife you haven’t seen in days. I remember your inappropriate jokes and the way you laugh with your whole being. I remember your heart of gold and your ability to make any horrible situation funny. I remember your skilled hands, your huge brain, and sweet soul. I remember you, all of you.
You are incredible.